7.30.2006 00:37
i'm at a lost for what to do now. guess i never knew what is sadness till today. guess i never had been acquainted with loneliness till right now. it is so much more times the pain to have lost grandpa than anything i've felt in the past 2 months. it really isnt anything about dealing with the excruciating pain for there is nothing to deal with at all. it isnt about coming to terms with a loss either. i dont know what to say and i reserve my right not to talk. dont tell me about how it is alright,i really am not interested to hear.
i was not there for grandpa before he passed on-this is my greatest regret. i stood there so long,looking at the cold and lifeless body as though it will come back to life again,and i really wished it was so. reality had to set in; everyone knows it is impossible to revive a dead person. just as my aunt was sitting beside him and kept asking if he was dead,i could not believe the fact that he was gone also.
just few hours ago,the phone rang and mum answered the phone. the "hello" was followed by screams and cries. she started to panic so much. i've guessed it all,what bad news the phone call brought. all these just happened in a split second and the next thing i found myself running on the road. i ran as fast as my legs could carry. a motorcycle almost knocked into me and i came to an immediate halt. it jolt me to reality and i started crying but it did not stop me from running faster.
minutes later,i found myself kneeling infront of grandpa's body,crying for a very long time. i was overwhelmed by lots of feelings i never knew before. i didnt know what to do and all these while,i never stopped crying. my immediate relatives came shortly after i had reached. everyone was in grief. not long after,the paramedics and the police came. the people had came to find out all they can about grandpa to record everything down. it made me think really if it is time to concern ourselves with all these trivial things when grandpa has already passed away. the doctor came after an hour or so. to be honest,i hated it for he was there to certify that my grandpa is dead. say me childish or ignorant but i never would want to admit the fact so bullshiat with the death certificate and everything else.
i put up a strong front just to find myself more miserable. i swallowed my tears and cried silently. my life has changed; i am no longer the fortunate one with four grandparents. i've lost the one that has love me like no else before. where do i go from here?
goodbye grandpa...
