8.02.2006 20:17
tuesday,1st august 2006; 2313
i remember just last week we went to celebrate my cousin's birthday. i had promised grandpa the day before that i'd be at his house for dinner the next day and i failed to turn up. i called to say i was unable to see him for i had to go for the celebration. little did i know that a week later,i have already lost him. had i known grandpa would leave me so soon,i would have gone nowhere else the past month.
i prioritised many stupid things before dinner and spending time with grandpa everyday. i still am in a state of shock and denial,that deep down inside where no one can hear me,i'm crying. today is the last night i'd get to spend with grandpa; i am feeling very empty and lost. i wish so much there is somebody i could talk to. then i would tell of how stupid i felt,how tired i am,how much i want to turn back time,how i want to escape from all the feelings and emotions,how i want to run away from everything. the thought of grandpa going to be cremated tomorrow morning just bring tears to my eyes-i'd know by then,grandpa would leave us forever. how comforting can i be to others when i am not comforted myself? i can only remember grandpa's goodness: his quiet understanding,his considerations and his very love. i know you have heard this thousands of times but still i have to say,
treasure your loved ones.
fang was with me for lunch today,dont really know how i actually felt but i am sure they were of thankfulness. the past few days had been taxing for me. i could not handle my emotions and there were so much to do with folding the joss papers. i could not get to sleep at all so i stayed over every night. i guess its been a very long time since i had spent so much time with grandpa.
tonight is the last night of the wake and the buddhist monks came to do the rites. by five in the evening,we had finished folding 40 over black bags of joss papers-twice the amount we were told that was sufficient. as christians,some of us could not take the joss sticks and pray to grandpa. however,we still joined the rites to pay grandpa the respect he deserved. the rites that started seven thirty only ended at about ten. there were three sessions altogether with breaks in between. i saw everything pointless-the chants,the joss sticks and offerings,the burning and beliefs.
the first rite came very emotional to me. it made me awaken to the fact that i had already lost grandpa that the monks are doing chantings for the dead. my eyes were brimming with tears as i thought of how i would not get to see him anymore and how i was not there to see him before he had passed on. the second and the third was just as solemn but i did not cry. i resented every part of the chants. we went to a place nearby to burn the paper house and the folded joss papers promptly after the rites. the small fire lighted by the monk with a lighter soon evolved into huge flames that consumed everything in minutes. every thing was reduced to ashes. this is where i think everything that was burnt would go-reduced to ashes and ashes only. i never believed in the dead receiving all the things in "netherworld". i still went with all the procedures and folded the joss papers for the love of grandpa that if it needs to be done,i will do.
if grandpa had received Christ as his personal savior,i think most of us would be comforted. i am unable to forgive myself. yes,i know he is of age,he had cancer and he did not suffer a lot of pain but these facts were never comforting. it only made me more aware of how unfillial i have been that even when it was obvious that grandpa's days were numbered,i never made much effort to do what i ought to do. i'd rather live in denial that to face the harsh reality.
grandpa is gone forever.
how easy it is to write but how difficult it is to accept?
